Learning To Say Goodbye

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything and it’s time to catch up now. There’s been so much stuff going on inside of me for weeks now and once again if I don’t put into words what’s been filling me up inside I feel like I’m going to “overflow”. Whether it’s important to anyone else, I’m not sure but I just feel the need to get it all out. I suppose this is how I’ve dealt with all of this for the past 16 months and it’s how I’m going to be doing it for a long time to come. Gee, just think if I had only had the time to do this all of my life I may have written a book by now. Probably not anything that would have made the bestseller list but at least something that I could have left to my kids and grandkids after I’m gone.

As everyone by now knows I have been extremely concerned whether or not Corey was going to be graduating this year. It’s been front and foremost in my mind for some time now. For months it’s been like my main focus and it seemed the more I worried and according to him “nagged” the more grim it was beginning to look. What alot of people don’t know about him is that he has always been an honor student until he got to high school and even then his grades weren’t all that bad. And then when his attention turned to music that became his focus, and of course, the girlfriend phase came along which served as another big distraction. Everything seemed to take precedence over school and I was literally becoming frantic at one point. I don’t know when I’m ever going to learn to “chill” like my other kids used to tell me when they were younger. It was like…”Mom, you stress too much over the small stuff!” And in that respect, looking back, I know they were right. Old habits die hard, I guess.

Final exams were this week and each and every day I would check Corey’s grades online at the school board’s website whispering a little prayer each time the page would load. On Tuesday, after the very last exam day I looked one more time and finally, finally was able to breathe a sigh of relief! I’m still not sure exactly why this was so big for me. Maybe just the fact that since Dean is no longer here I’m the one trying to move this child along to who I hope one day will be an independent, strong and confident young man. He’s getting there, little by very little, but at least I see some forward progress unlike mine has been for so long now after having lost Dean.

But even that is changing now. Don’t even ask me where, how or when this began to take its turn. All I know is that things are changing and I can honestly say for the better. One night in particular, a couple of weeks ago, I do remember feeling very down as I was watching a show on tv and I was lying on the couch asking God once again - “when are you going to show me the big reason why I’m still here? I keep waiting and watching and hoping for something, anything, a sign that things will be getting better anytime soon. Where is your promise, God? Have you forgotten me? Dean may not have had a choice in what happened but you, God…you did and you know what I need. Why am I not seeing anything, feeling anything, being shown anything? Where is the hope that I’m searching for and why can’t I find it?” And then I just cried my eyes out until the phone rang and it was someone very close to me who, after they listened to me go on and on about what was troubling me, then proceeded to tell me their problems. After that, I guess a truth started to settle into my heart and that was that ‘God helps those who help themselves’ and here I thought that God was just going to magically make all of my sorrows go away (which, of course He could).

A couple of days later my son, Joshua and his wife and kids came to visit and spent all day Sunday here. As always, the kids have the power to make me forget everything for as long as they are around. I sat outside in the yard and watched them play on the swingset and the two youngest ones found out that they could coast down the ramp to the shed on the little tikes bike and the two year old spent hours playing in the dogs’ water bucket filling it with rocks from the gravel. It was amazing how that entertained him for so long. And then when the end of the day came and it was time for them to go home was when my 4 year old granddaughter held onto me and didn’t want to leave. She cried and wanted to stay and when she found out that wasn’t an option was when she begged me to come to her house to live. To humor her and maybe make her see how that wouldn’t work I told her that if I did that I wouldn’t have a room to stay in and asked her “where would Grandma sleep?” After some thought she innocently announced that Grandma could sleep in Mommy and Daddy’s bed with them! Oh my, I told her that I didn’t think that would be a good idea but I promised that I would spend more time with her and that when school was out, I and her and her brothers would do more things together and have lots of fun. That pacified her, or so I thought. At least it got her to the car, in her carseat and out the driveway. But then I got a phone call a while later and there she was on the phone crying and sobbing “Grandma, I love you! I miss you!” Oh, if only hugs could travel through the phone lines! After talking to her for awhile and calming her down I asked to talk to her Mom and asked Krista if she was smiling yet and she said yes but the tears were still rolling down her face.

I think that was kind of when my thinking began to change and a light came on in my mind and in my heart. Where, oh where, would this child be without me? I know that I am no prize but suddenly to this little girl it seemed like I was and I can’t even explain how that made me feel. Little by little the thought began creeping into my head…is this it? Is this that purpose I’ve been searching for? Even if this is not then I’m going to let it be what motivates me to want to start living again. The self-wallowing, the feeling sorry and always feeling lost and not mattering to anyone - all of a sudden I didn’t want that for me anymore. Did it ‘zap’ and go away instantly? Of course not! But I tell you what…it did make me feel like making more of an effort after that to try harder to see what’s going on around me more than I have for quite some time. And with each passing day since then the effort is becoming less and less and the rewards are becoming more and more. Oh yes, I still miss my darling husband and always will. But I am so ready to feel alive again and the only way to do that is to let go and let myself, allow myself to want to live again.

So this coming Wednesday, the night of Corey’s graduation, I am going to be surrounded by the family members who have decided to be there for him and for me on this long-awaited and so-prayed-for occasion and with my heart filled with pride for this young man I am going to watch as he walks across that stage and receives his diploma and for him, sadly says goodbye to his childhood and for him and I both as he says hello to his brand new future. Afterwards, we all will celebrate with a nice meal at a favorite restaurant while I’m sure Dean will be watching on and over the biggest event in his son’s life since he’s been gone. I’m planning on feeling his presence that night and not with sadness and tears but with all the love in my heart I will always have for him. I think I’m finally ‘getting it’ - it’s okay to go on…because when I do I’m not leaving him behind, he’s in my heart and goes wherever I go. I just could never see this before.

I love you, Dean…always and forever. I know where you are that it’s such a place of beauty, peace, love, harmony and happiness beyond imagination. That makes me smile now…something I thought I’d never do. I’ll be there beside you one day but until then I’m learning to exist in this world without you and also realizing that it can be done afterall.