Learning To Say Goodbye

Hello My Sweet and Wonderful Man Who I Miss Like Crazy and is No Longer Here,

I’m sorry, sweetheart but I just had to say all of that before I get into what’s been going on lately. The past couple of months have been so weird, so rough, so emotionally draining but just as I knew it would, Spring came along and somehow is beginning to work it’s magic. Finally, warmer temperatures, more sunshine and colors of the season to brighten even the lowest of anyone’s spirits. But of course, along with the good comes the bad. And by that I mean problems to overcome, obstacles to get past…like when I went to mow again the other day, 3 weeks after trying to use the riding mower with the seemingly dead battery - it happened again - it wouldn’t start. I, once again, pushed the stupid thing down the ramp, ran the extension cord back there and tried to jump the battery with the battery charger. Only this time it just wouldn’t crank. I put the cables on the battery as I did before and still nothing. I stood out there and looked at the big red machine and thought to myself - what in the world am I doing wrong that it’s not starting? Usually I don’t like for the neighbors to see me having problems but this time I just didn’t care. I wouldn’t give up until I had my way with that big boy! I call him “Troy” because it is a Troybilt mower. I finally took the cables off the way I had them on only the threaded part sticking out and opened them wide enough to fit over the entire red and black connection and sure enough it finally worked - it started! I told “Troy” in no uncertain terms - and that’s the way it is!!!

I got the backyard mowed and then tackled all the weedeating and actually finished it all in one day. But after it’s all done and I look at how pretty it is I sit there and wish it could stay looking like that for alot longer than just a week. But, oh well…you can’t have everything!

Things have been going kinda’ okay lately. I still have my down times but they aren’t quite so often. Last week was pretty emotional as I finally decided to clean our bedroom and make some changes in the hopes of maybe being able to move back in there after 15 months of sleeping in the computer room on that couch that is more like a love seat. If it’s 4 feet long that’s plenty but for awhile now it seems to be shrinking and either I’m just getting tired of sleeping in there or just getting too old to be curled up for an entire night. There’s been a few nights, off and on, that I haven’t even been able to go to sleep at all and just would lay there thinking about you all night. If I got 2 hours sleep those nights I was lucky and then went on to be exhausted the whole next day.

But what really kicked my butt into gear to clean the bedroom was when I had to let the appraiser in last week and had to stand there as he saw how terrible it looked, like a huge, messy walk-in closet. My only use for that room for the past 15 months has been to walk through it just to get to the bathroom. He did (with a smile) assure me that he was not appraising the mess, just the room and the rest of the house. He was quite impressed with what we had done with the living room and kitchen though even with the half-painted walls that you never got to finish in the living room before your sudden departure and the wood flooring in the living room that still has to be finished going down the hallway but is still in their boxes. I guess because he could see the rest of the flooring in the boxes that got counted towards the value of the house too, I’m not sure. Why was I having the house appraised, you ask? Oh, well I had the grand idea of calling the mortgage company…finally…to see if I could qualify for whatever the government is offering to help other homeowners throughout the country to make their mortgage notes more affordable. It turned out that I wasn’t eligible for that (we don’t owe enough) but I did qualify for having the house refinanced to a much lower interest rate. I got it dropped from 7% to less than 5%. It’s not as low as what I hoped for but hey, in the long run this will save many thousands of dollars over the years left to pay on the house. I didn’t go with the 30 year refinance but instead since we had 20 years left to pay I went with a 20 year loan. And it drops the monthly note down by almost $100. So, I was very proud of such a major decision on my part - the biggest one yet to date that I’ve made. I was surprised that they were willing to do this considering I’m not employed at the moment. Maybe the fact that I’ve been paying the mortgage faithfully and on time since you’ve been gone might have made some sort of impact and I have good credit and a good credit score and owe hardly nothing but the mortgage and the monthly utilities - no credit card debt. Not to mention the fact that I will not give up this house that you worked so hard for all these years unless I absolutely have no other choice. It’s no mansion, but it was the one and only house we called ours and I’d like to keep it forever, if possible.

Your youngest son, started his new job today at Home Depot. I brought him up there and he seemed a little nervous but he went inside hoping for the best (me too). A couple of hours after I had gotten back home the phone rang and I saw his name on the caller id and just for a brief moment I panicked thinking - oh no, I hope he didn’t quit or anything. But when I answered the phone he was all cheerful and said he was on a break and just wanted to call me and let me know how happy he was and that everyone is so nice there and how much he really likes it. I told him I was glad to hear that and wished him a good “rest of the day” and I’d see him later when I picked him up. When I hung up I breathed a sigh of relief and said to myself “amen!”. I only wish I was feeling more optimistic about him graduating from high school next month. As it stands right now graduation is about 5 or 6 weeks away and I have no clue of whether he is going to make it or not. It’s those English credits he needs in order to graduate and it’s a constant struggle for him to get the passing grades he needs. Alot of it is his own fault for not turning work in when it’s due because the rest of his grades on his exams and classwork are great. It’s the stuff he has to do at home that’s messing him up. And then there is that Senior Project. They didn’t have that when the other boys went to high school but now it’s there and it’s a major part of his English grade. He had to make his presentation on Friday to four judges and he was pretty bummed by the comments of one of the judges. He was told that it didn’t seem like he put alot of effort into it and that it seemed pretty “last minute” and it was obvious that he never really had a mentor as was required - and you know what, that’s all true! But this is Corey…what Corey doesn’t feel like doing he wings his way through it and then pays the consequences for it. It’s not like I don’t keep behind him with the homework stuff, I do - he just doesn’t listen alot of the time. Soooo…will he or will he not graduate? That is the question that I don’t know the answer to and probably won’t know until right before graduation day. I’ve been so stressed out over this for so long that I finally gave myself permission to “chill out” - this is up to him - I cannot make it happen. I’ve tried threats and lecturing him, encouraging him and my help to him but all in vain. So we’ll find out together soon enough whether you’ll be looking down on that proud moment when he gets his diploma and I watch him as he makes his way up on stage with my heart bursting with pride (and relief) on that momentus day.

As you can see, my love, I’ve had plenty to keep me busy which is just as well because if all of this wasn’t going on I would be just sitting around and wishing and wanting you back to no avail and being totally miserable without you here. I kind of slipped last night (which I allow myself to do every so often). I was aching for you pretty bad and talking to you like I always do and if someone was a fly on the wall and listening to my end of the conversation I’m sure, without a doubt, they would have me committed. The conversation last night went something like this - “I miss you so much” and you replied (which only I can hear) “But I’m still here with you…” to which I answered “yes, but it’s not the same…” and then I caught myself and hurriedly told you “don’t go…please stay…you know what I mean…” Oh man, why am I telling you what was said - you were there, you heard it all and was part of it. Now, if those people in the white coats show up and take me away after reading this you better come and visit me in the sanitarium!! Just kidding…

I love you, dear…always and forever!!!!!