Learning To Say Goodbye

The past few weeks have been rough.  I’ve been told that the second year of grieving is worse than the first and though I had a hard time understanding this during the first year it’s become apparent that it’s true.  There are really no words to explain why because the feelings are not easily described except to say that although they are different in nature than in the beginning they are intense just the same.  After all of these months of stumbling and trying to find my way I have learned one very important lesson - always expect the unexpected.  Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security that just because you have a day or two or three of peace and no tears that all has been put to rest because if you do something like that then you are sure to be sucked under with the next current that happens to come along and your survival skills through all of this will only be weakened.

There is one thing to be said for having to deal with others’ problems around you though and that is it will for sure be a lifesaver to keep you from drowning in your own sorrow and pain.  So I thank you, Lord for the child that you blessed me with so late in life that I wanted so badly until he turned into a teenager and I thought that I could no longer handle especially without Dean here to help me with him. 

He’s been doing so well lately and I’ve been very pleased with the way he and I have been getting along and all of the signs of maturity he has been showing for the past few months.  But once again…you should never believe in perfection as it simply does not exist.  Just when you think you’re on cloud nine, along comes a huge gust of wind (life) and boom, bam, zoom…………..crash!!  The state of shock you have just entered is not a figment of your imagination, it is real, it is big and it knocks you off your feet.

But the amazing thing turns out to be that while you’re trying to wrap your mind around what’s happened and racking your brain for a solution to it all - lo and behold…this young person, who you think will never grow up and will be your very own “Peter Pan”, shows you a side of them that you were not yet aware existed.  He actually sees the error of his ways, takes responsibility for his actions, moves forward to correct his mistake and actually has his efforts commended by the offended party.  To me, this is a giant step for the child whom you wondered was ever going to arrive at adulthood let alone show the kind of wisdom that you never thought was possible at such a tender age.  I find myself asking…”will wonders never cease?”

So, to say that I am proud would be an understatement. I am also very much in awe!  Maybe I haven’t done such an awful job afterall…and maybe, just maybe there is hope in this world of mine once more.