Learning To Say Goodbye

Hello My Love,

Today is your birthday and the first one in 34 years that I haven’t been able to wrap my arms around you, look into your eyes and tell you how much I love you. For me, that is very sad. But I keep telling myself that where you are now you want for nothing, you have everything that you need. I wish I could say the same. I need you so much, I miss you so much…

You found so many things about me to love, even my shortcomings. I always knew that I was so lucky to have you in my life. Now I know it a thousandfold. If I could go back and give you more of my love, more of my respect, more of all that you gave to me…but I can’t. All I can do is sit here with so many tears and the aching in my heart, wishing you could have stayed longer to share with me all that we had and all that we were looking forward to.

We had our problems throughout the years, nothing major but still, just like any other couple we had our disagreements, our little spats. We never allowed them to grow into more than what we could handle though. I look back now and am so grateful that we never gave up on each other. We made it a priority to rise above the negatives and concentrate on the positives. You, my darling, were the most positive thing that ever happened to me.

I’m still working on trying to fill the void that your death has left in my life and most of all in my heart. I still, at almost 9 months later, am trying to convince myself that you are no longer here and I will never hold you again or see your smiling face or the twinkle in your eyes when you looked at me and said those magical words - “I love you”. They were never empty words for you. They came straight from your beautiful heart. When I lost you, I lost everything. Now, I spend my time trying to figure out what, in this big wide world, could ever take your place. I haven’t found the answer yet. I don’t know if I ever will. But, for you, I keep trying. I know if you were here you wouldn’t want me to be unhappy or hurting like this for the rest of my life.

Last week I got a birthday card and in it was written the words “every birthday brings me one year closer to being with you again”. Those words meant everything to me. If it was up to me I would be with you now, not here alone without you trying to be what I used to be when I was a part of you. Trying to reinvent myself and my life without the person and the love that made me who I was is not an easy task. I seem to have no choice though, but to go on without you. Getting from one day to the next is all I can do for right now.

I never would have imagined that life could be so empty, so meaningless…and although I find little things to make me smile once in awhile and a drop of happiness here and there, it’s nothing compared to how it was sharing my life with you. So I go on, continuing to find my way through this maze of uncertainty called ‘my life’ now. I’m hoping one day that the sun shines in my heart again but it will never be as bright as it was when you were here to keep the clouds and the rain away. The storm of losing you continues to churn for the time being.

I love you so much and always will. You were the one who I counted on, leaned on, depended on - not for my happiness but just to be the one who completed my life. I guess that’s why my life feels so lopsided right now because the other half of me is missing and that, my sweetheart, was always you. Together, we were one, and without you a huge part of me is gone.

So, my wonderful man, I have only one gift that I can give you…although you have it all now, happiness, joy, light, paradise, eternity…I send you all of my love, wrapped in all of the happiness you always gave to me, sprinkled with the tears that are still being shed at not having you by my side any longer. I love you with all that’s left of my broken heart, baby.

Happy Birthday!!