Learning To Say Goodbye

Hello, My Sweetheart,

Well, today has finally arrived - today marks 6 months since you and I have been apart. And today is also Friday which we both know is not my favorite day of the week since it was on that day, that morning that you took your final breath and your heart beat its final beat. It’s very hard for me, even 6 months later, to believe that you are actually gone and our life together ended on that cold January morning, never to be again.

Although I received a couple of invitations to be a part of the 4th of July celebration today, in the end I just couldn’t bring myself to celebrate anything today. I seriously thought about getting out and weighed my options but I chose to stay at home and reflect on what has become of my life without you. It’s not about feeling sorry for me. It’s not that at all. But being at the 6 month mark, a whole half of year without you, seemed like a good time to contemplate - ‘where do I go from here?’ and I couldn’t do that in the midst of a crowd of people. I already told them what day it was today for me and they seemed to understand that I might not be up to partying. But just the fact that they needed to be reminded of what an important day this was for me just shows me even more how the rest of the world goes on with life while I’m still stuck in this “limbo” of life without you.

I suppose I could have gone to the cemetary and visited your grave but that would have been all I would be doing was going to a place with a stone on the ground with your name and your date of birth and the date of your death. You wouldn’t really be there although you would’ve been so in my heart while I was there. But it doesn’t matter where I am, you’re with me. So, I decided to stay at home with you instead, just you and me and the memories of our life together. It’s not as bad as it sounds. I’m not falling to pieces or anything. But I am still very, very sad at having to go on without you.

This past week has been very melancholy for me. I guess it was in anticipation of today. In the dictionary, melancholy means - a gloomy state of mind, especially when it’s habitual or prolonged. It also is likened to depression. But I prefer this definition - sober thoughtfulness. Yes, my love, it is definitely very sober and makes me think alot.

In the beginning, I thought alot about all that was lost when you had to go away. I lost my husband, the father to our children, the grandfather to our grandkids. I lost my life right along with yours. I lost my future with you, making more memories, having someone to smile with about the old memories. I lost someone to hold my hand in times of happiness and times of sadness. I lost the pair of strong arms that kept me steady on my feet when I needed to be comforted. I lost someone to wrap my arms around when I wanted and needed to express all the love in my heart that I had to give - to you! When you think about it, at the time, I was sure that I had lost everything.

But I’m still here, so evidently I have not lost everything. I am still living, still breathing and still waking up each morning to face a new day, whether I want to or not. I still don’t know the reason for that but you can ask God, and He will tell you that I’m not so demanding asking the reason ‘why?’ anymore. I guess, very gradually, there is a change taking place, one so slow that I don’t even see it happening as it happens. I’m still not where I want to be as far as acceptance of all of this goes but I can honestly say that it is different from what it was in the beginning.

I realized this by spending today going back and reading all of the journal entries I have written over the past 6 months. They brought back the memories of ‘me’ back then, grasping and struggling to make it through the neverending tears, the hopelessness of it all, the helplessness that I felt was pulling me down to rock bottom. It was as if I was watching someone else go through what, I know, was me going through. It brought it all back but only long enough to show me that I am nowhere near where I was back then. I’m not completely healed, not by long shot. But I’ve moved forward enough to know that I can do this, where in the beginning I thought I couldn’t. I can and will survive this, the biggest loss of my life. But if anyone, even me, would have tried to convince me of this back then I would never have believed it.

I would move Heaven and earth to have you back but it’s taken me 6 months to realize that wishes are only wishes and they may or may not come true. Prayers do and sometimes don’t get answered, or at least not the way we want them to be. I can tell you that I still don’t understand why this happened to us or why it happened when it did. But I have reached a point where I am not asking so many of the “whys?” anymore. I believe and I’m hoping that this is part of the moving forward process.

But even though I am talking a little more positively now I want you to understand this…I still love you and always will. I still miss you and forever will. I will always wish things had turned out differently and we could have grown old together as we often talked about and laughed about. You are always in my heart and that CAN’T ever change.

The only thing I can hope for now and wish for now is to always feel you near, always feel your love and your strength and one day to see your beautiful face again with that smile that could always melt my heart. Until then, know that I love you always and forever until the end of time…