Learning To Say Goodbye

I’ve decided that I have to stop letting what other people think of me influence the way I feel. It’s hard enough trying to sink or swim through this without trying to be what others think I need to be on top of that. Being strong is not a strong point for me right now but I was there once and one day I’ll find that person again. In the meantime it’s just a matter of trying to make it through one day at a time.

Some days are good and some are not and there’s absolutely nothing that I can do to make them any more or less than what they turn out to be. Alot of things that happen from day to day have a big impact on how the end of the day turns out. Like last night my day ended with my youngest son’s yelling at me “I hate you!” right before he stormed off to bed. This, all because I woke him up way before it should have been bedtime to ask for the dirty dishes out of his room, which aren’t supposed to be there to start with, so I could run the dishwasher. In the process of trying to get him to understand that he’s not allowed to eat in his room which we’ve been through a million times before I could feel my chest tightening up and had to just ignore the pain to get my message across to him.

Earlier in the day, I asked for his help outside just for a few minutes with something that was too heavy for me to handle. Another ugly scene! He claims he hates yard work so I answered him - “You hate any kind of work!” and lo and behold I heard him mutter as he stormed off then too - “I know”. Well, finally an honest answer!

I think his withdrawal is getting worse as the days and weeks go by since I unplugged him from the internet for the F’s he’s getting in some of his classes. All he’s got to do is pull them up but he won’t and so I won’t give in and this, I believe, is the root of all of his anger. Besides the fact that he’s a teenager and is just going through that normal rebellious phase. If I make it through this last one it will be a miracle.

I would seriously consider just packing up what’s left of my life and leaving all of this behind but I have a feeling there is nowhere I could go and hide without someone finding me.

Pray, pray, pray - it’s my only hope to escape from it all. I think I know what it feels like to be in quicksand - if you stop fighting for just a second, it’s over.