Learning To Say Goodbye

Well, the rain is back which means I can’t go outside and work today to pass the time. I still have lots to do out there and it’s been my haven lately to escape my feelings and the constant thinking. I still miss you so much. I don’t think that is ever going to stop. Life is just so different now. Nothing much to look forward to. No smiling face at the end of the day to share a cup of coffee with. No conversations to look forward to. Just a whole bunch of emptiness. Nothing fills the huge void of not having you anymore.

No matter what I do there is always that heaviness in my heart of knowing you’re never coming home to me again. How can life be so cruel to take you away from me so soon?

Yesterday, I filled in all of the holes with the dirt after having the stumps ground. There was only about 20 of them so needless to say my hands are all blistered and my back hurt pretty bad afterwards. It was a big job and took me 5 1/2 hours to get it done but at least I felt a sense of accomplishment when it was over. Now I know how hard you always worked around here. It’s too bad that it’s too late to let you know that. I may not have always said it aloud but in my heart I always appreciated everything you did and were to me. I also met our new neighbor for the first time yesterday. We had a nice talk by the fence while I was planting the new azaleas. That was cut short though when it started to rain. But I found her to be quite pleasant and really think we will become friends over time. Wow, now that makes 1 friend that I can add to my list. Because we always spent all of our time together there aren’t alot of people on that list that I can call friends. I suppose that would help right now to pass the time. And there is so much time to fill now without you around.

There’s not much else that interests me right now. I’m not into anything much but working in the garden and when I’m not doing that I choose to spend the rest of my time remembering all of the good times I had with you. But that just doesn’t help a whole lot, I’d rather have you back than just the memory of you.

I’ve been thinking alot about what’s to come in the future. I know eventually I need to find a job. Either that or work a little harder at updating my websites to see if that can bring in some more money. I just really am not at the point right now where I want to spend time at a place with strangers doing something I’m not ready to do yet. But the time will come when I won’t have a choice anymore and when that day comes I’ll face it just like everything else.

What happened? Why did things have to change so drastically? Why did I have to lose you when I wanted to hold onto you forever? You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I never wanted to let you go. I love you so much! And now I have nothing or no one to share that special love with. No one can replace you in my heart and I am just so lonesome without you.

I know you had no choice in what happened. I know you would have stayed with me forever if it had been up to you. Just thinking about that helps me to know that one day maybe I might be able to accept all of this. But not yet. I still have alot more to work through before that can happen. My heart is far from being healed. I still need you so much.

Well, all of this is, as usual, getting me nowhere but it was time for another good cry. I need those every so often which I know you must understand. You would have done the same thing if it had been me to leave you. We were inseparable, we were in love and we needed each other. We shared so much through the years and what we had can not be forgotten. So this journey of mine may take quite some time. If I manage to put one foot in front of the other then I figure I’m doing good and making progress, although it is a very slow process. If I make it from one day to the next then I’ve accomplished something and that’s about all I can hope for at this time. You know what I mean, don’t you, Sweetheart?

I love you with all of my breaking heart, Baby!!