Learning To Say Goodbye

I just have to take a few moments to tell everyone how very much all of your support and caring and wonderful love meant to me these past days. Tonight, being alone (except for Corey) is my first step in beginning life without Dean. Up until now, I’ve had everyone around me and the hurt wasn’t quite as noticeable. When Joshua, Krista and the kids packed up all of their stuff today to leave and go home I suddenly felt something in my stomach knotting up and literally churning. I’m not sure what a panic attack feels like but I was feeling really “scared”, I think is the word. I wouldn’t say anything to Joshua because in my heart I knew I had to let them go. They have their own life and they need to live it. But I was so afraid of being alone here with no one to see or talk to. I started to move around watering the flowers and just trying not to sit still. As you can see by my little icon, I’ve been feeling kind of numb. Well, as I was “moving around” I almost felt like I was floating, it was really very weird.

Then Danny showed up and we talked for quite some time and while he was here Tammy called and we talked a little bit. It helped to fill up some of the void I was feeling. I know this is not going to get better overnight or even what the timeline is for something like this but I did pray today and ask God to help me to deal with the broken heart and the big empty hole that’s there.

I am so very proud of my children. You all are so very wonderful and I couldn’t have asked for any more at a time like this. I just hope that those who live close enough will be able to continue to share a tiny bit of their time from time to time. I realized more than ever what great kids Papa and I have in all of you and even though he’s no longer here I still love seeing you. And for those who don’t live near, I’m just a phone call away and I will always want to hear from you.

Every single one of you played a big part in helping over the past several days and I just wanted you to know that. I love you and need you all always.