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Welcome to “Learning To Say Goodbye…”. Unfortunately, this is an account of the past 18 months since the death of my dear, sweet and wonderful husband who passed away on January 4, 2008.
They say that grief is a “journey”. I never thought of a journey as being a sad thing before now but I suppose it can either be happy or sad. In this case, it is beyond sad - it is heartwrenching and full of despair. At least, that’s the way it is in the beginning. It’s been 18 months now and here is an excerpt of something written in the beginning of this journey —
“I never expected this and though I know I’m not alone, that there are many others dealing with the same pain and loss - when it’s you then you feel like you’re the only one it’s happening to. Nothing seems to be easing the pain, though some days are worse than others or it may be that some days are better than others. But the aching and the loneliness and the wanting it to be not real is so big that I feel like I am literally drowning in my sorrow. It helps alot to have family around but as soon as they are gone the reality of it all returns.
I miss him so much…It’s only been a little over 4 weeks yet sometimes it seems like an eternity. I don’t think I’ve fully accepted it all yet, I sometimes feel like this is just a horrible dream but I never seem to wake up. And I look at the clock when he would’ve come home from work but he never shows up. I can’t sleep in our bedroom because it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t understand what happened or why it happened. All I know is that I want him back but I know that won’t happen. It hurts so much that I want to just scream but I can’t. They say one day it will get better but they didn’t lose him, I did. And I almost feel like I died the day that he died. I don’t know how to get through this but I know I must because there are so many here who need me and love me.
I just feel so very lost without him. I loved him so very much.”
This was how it was in the beginning for me…since then I have traveled what seems like many, many miles to get to the point where I am today…not completely healed but at least on the road to recovery. The wound created by the loss of a spouse, especially one who was loved so very much, is as deep as a wound can possibly be. The healing does not come quickly and takes months or years to recuperate. I’m not at the end of my journey yet so I can’t pinpoint when the healing is complete, it’s different and unique for each individual.
You may ask, “why did I choose to publish my journal on the web for anyone and everyone to see and read?” Because I struggled to get through the pain, the heartache, the depression and all of the other ugliness of this grief without knowing what I was doing or where I was going. If someone happens by to read these pages and finds some comfort, words of wisdom, or support in any way that may be of some help to them or someone they may know who has lost a loved one - then to share it all will be worth it…
